Growing Up On Depeche Mode - A Memoir.
Preamble
Matthew is more than just a Depeche Mode hobbyist collector, and the music is more than a passing phase to him, like all things that he demonstrates a love for, he is entirely convicted with all his heart and soul.
Some time ago, the very first encounter that I had with a teenaged Matthew Ellerbeck, was on a frigid winter’s night. Matthew had made his first visit to a social support group for queer youth that we would both end up attending regularly. Now, I don’t know if you’ve experienced a Canadian winter before, it gets unforgivingly cold.
Standing before me, there was this boy in a leather jacket with metal stud embellishments, matching wristbands, zipper fully undone, no shirt on underneath, pair of black jeans, gel-hardened spikes in dyed-black-hair, and black guyliner.
I was perplexed initially; I’d wondered what on earth would compel someone not to dress for the weather. Matt didn’t even batt an eyelash at my dumbfounded confusion. He instead went on to confidently inform me that this look was a direct homage in tribute to his favorite singer, Dave Gahan, of his most favorite band, Depeche Mode.
Matthew didn’t waste anytime in asking me if I had heard of them, I had not. He then quizzed me on if I was familiar with the genres Synth-Pop, Dark Wave, Electronic Rock and New Wave. I was not. My tastes were somewhat limited to Top 40, Pop Radio, R’n’B, Hip-Hop & various forms of Dance.
I might have never learned as much as I did about Electronica, Techno, New Wave & Electroclash if it hadn’t of been for the presence of Matthew’s influence. Matthew encouraged me to dig deeper into my music literacy toolbox. To not reject a certain band or song simply because it explored a darker theme, but to challenge myself to embrace the enjoyment that can come from exploring that darkness.
Matthew’s single-minded devotion and determination makes his music appreciation so infectious and makes the whole devise of his personal music business work. The man was willing to risk frostbite and hypothermia to demonstrate to a group of other queer youth that Depeche Mode was a super cool group of rock stars that they should know about. I am proud to say that thanks to him, I am a big Depeche Mode fan, I have ten of their albums in my personal music collection, and I am going to see them live in concert this spring. These are communiques from someone who has the real goods where it counts.
Sincerely,
B Heaslip - Singer/Songwriter
I first discovered Depeche Mode when I was a young teenager. It was 1999 and I happened to catch a broadcast of the VH1 special Depeche Mode: Behind The Music. I wasn't familiar with Depeche at that point, but I was always interested in new bands and so I often watched Behind The Music.
I was instantly enthralled by the clips of various Depeche Mode songs and music videos that were being played throughout the program. I was especially moved by frontman Dave Gahan's beautiful singing. Soon after the special, I went out and got the band's latest releases - the album Ultra and the compilation The Singles 86-98. I fell profoundly in love with both of these albums. Dave instantly became my favorite member as I felt particularly affected by his singing voice.
I loved the music so much that I then set out to buy all of the other Depeche Mode albums and singles. I soon found that I loved each and every one of them. I would often listen to Depeche Mode with my headphones on before I went to bed.
I was instantly enthralled by the clips of various Depeche Mode songs and music videos that were being played throughout the program. I was especially moved by frontman Dave Gahan's beautiful singing. Soon after the special, I went out and got the band's latest releases - the album Ultra and the compilation The Singles 86-98. I fell profoundly in love with both of these albums. Dave instantly became my favorite member as I felt particularly affected by his singing voice.
I loved the music so much that I then set out to buy all of the other Depeche Mode albums and singles. I soon found that I loved each and every one of them. I would often listen to Depeche Mode with my headphones on before I went to bed.
Ultra & The Singles 86-98 were the first Depeche Mode CD's I got.
Aside from just loving the music, Depeche Mode would also become integral to how I processed my feelings. The world can be bewildering, joyous, painful, confusing, and wonderous. To deal with this complex array of emotions some people write, some people paint, some people meditate. Me, I listened to Depeche Mode.
This was useful as not long after discovering the band my life was about to go through major change. My mom and my stepfather were separating. This meant that we would be moving from the city that I had grown up in for the last seven years to a rural area 3 hours away. We were going to be moving in with my grandmother (who I call Grenola).
I would thus have to leave behind my friends and all that was familiar. Thankfully Depeche Mode's music would be a huge comfort during this strange time of upheaval.
Soon after the move, I was out for a drive with Grenola when I heard something on the radio station KRAQ that caught my ear. It was the new Depeche Mode song Dream On. I was so excited to hear it and instantly loved it! That night I scanned the video channel MuchMoreMusic (Canada's equivalent to MTV) and was delighted to see the music video for Dream On. Soon after, the new album Exciter came out (I still remember going to buy the album when it was released). I played the hell out of that CD over the summer of 2001. I also made my cousins watch Depeche Mode perform their new single I Feel Loved on the Jay Leno show one night in July (it was a great performance)!
This was useful as not long after discovering the band my life was about to go through major change. My mom and my stepfather were separating. This meant that we would be moving from the city that I had grown up in for the last seven years to a rural area 3 hours away. We were going to be moving in with my grandmother (who I call Grenola).
I would thus have to leave behind my friends and all that was familiar. Thankfully Depeche Mode's music would be a huge comfort during this strange time of upheaval.
Soon after the move, I was out for a drive with Grenola when I heard something on the radio station KRAQ that caught my ear. It was the new Depeche Mode song Dream On. I was so excited to hear it and instantly loved it! That night I scanned the video channel MuchMoreMusic (Canada's equivalent to MTV) and was delighted to see the music video for Dream On. Soon after, the new album Exciter came out (I still remember going to buy the album when it was released). I played the hell out of that CD over the summer of 2001. I also made my cousins watch Depeche Mode perform their new single I Feel Loved on the Jay Leno show one night in July (it was a great performance)!
My Depeche Mode - Dream On 12 inch vinyl.
That November, I was thrilled to learn that Depeche Mode would be performing at the MTV Europe Music Awards (and even more thrilled that MuchMusic would be broadcasting it). I stayed up with the VCR ready to record - and was engrossed as Dave Gahan and the band appeared on the T.V. Since I had the performance taped, I showed it again and again to friends and family.
The following Spring Depeche Mode released a concert film entitled One Night in Paris – The Exciter Tour 2001. I can still remember vividly watching it in my room for the first time. During When The Body Speaks I started to cry. I found Dave's performance so beautiful that it had literally moved me to tears. I had never experienced that before from watching a DVD or listening to music. It was clear to me that Depeche Mode's music resonated with me emotionally in a way that no other art or media had.
The following year I moved to another little town. Right next door to where I was living was a small music and gaming store. I used to go over and insist they play Depeche Mode on the store stereo and enjoyed discussing the albums with the store's owner. That year for my birthday my mom got me a copy of the documentary/concert film Depeche Mode 101. Needless to say I loved it! A new friend of mine from my current school also got me a leather jacket (like Dave Gahan's).
I also discovered a great record store in Kingston called Brain's Record Option that had original Depeche Mode vinyl pressings, along with vintage stickers and posters. I of course had to get these! I also ended up getting a copy of Depeche Mode: The Videos 86-98. I brought it with me to a friend's for a sleepover. As we were watching it ,his brother came out and told me how much he liked Depeche and later made me a burnt CD of his favorite Mode remixes. That same friend's older sister later told me about how her and her friend's had gone to their High School Halloween Dance in the 80's as Depeche Mode. She laughed as she told me about how they kept arguing over who got to be Dave Gahan.
The following Spring Depeche Mode released a concert film entitled One Night in Paris – The Exciter Tour 2001. I can still remember vividly watching it in my room for the first time. During When The Body Speaks I started to cry. I found Dave's performance so beautiful that it had literally moved me to tears. I had never experienced that before from watching a DVD or listening to music. It was clear to me that Depeche Mode's music resonated with me emotionally in a way that no other art or media had.
The following year I moved to another little town. Right next door to where I was living was a small music and gaming store. I used to go over and insist they play Depeche Mode on the store stereo and enjoyed discussing the albums with the store's owner. That year for my birthday my mom got me a copy of the documentary/concert film Depeche Mode 101. Needless to say I loved it! A new friend of mine from my current school also got me a leather jacket (like Dave Gahan's).
I also discovered a great record store in Kingston called Brain's Record Option that had original Depeche Mode vinyl pressings, along with vintage stickers and posters. I of course had to get these! I also ended up getting a copy of Depeche Mode: The Videos 86-98. I brought it with me to a friend's for a sleepover. As we were watching it ,his brother came out and told me how much he liked Depeche and later made me a burnt CD of his favorite Mode remixes. That same friend's older sister later told me about how her and her friend's had gone to their High School Halloween Dance in the 80's as Depeche Mode. She laughed as she told me about how they kept arguing over who got to be Dave Gahan.
Brain's Record Option is where I bought a lot of Depeche Mode records when I was living in and around Kingston.
In 2003, I was beyond elated when I learned Dave Gahan would be releasing his very first solo album called Paper Monsters. An album of just Dave was indeed an exciting notion to me! The first single Dirty Sticky Floors was truly magnificent. I got a copy on vinyl soon after its release. When I got the full album, I absolutely loved it!
Paper Monsters came along right when I needed it. Soon after the record was released, I came out to my family as gay. This led to me being kicked out of my home (I was still just a teenager). One family member even said they hope I die of AIDS.
I ended up moving to the city and staying with a friend. Although my life was once again in extreme upheaval, Paper Monsters provided me with immense comfort. I am happy to say, soon after these events I ended up getting my life stabilized. I remember fondly having lots of house parties and get-togethers during this time, where I would play Dave Gahan and Depeche Mode music (while my friends and I would drunkenly dance around). Via these gatherings, I often exposed new people to the music.
A few months later, Grenola got me tickets to see Dave Gahan live for his July concert in Toronto. I arrived at the venue early and at one point I thought I heard faint music. I ran around to the other side of the building and through a small space in the large iron doors, I could faintly see Dave Gahan on stage doing soundcheck. He was singing the song Bitter Apple from Paper Monsters. It sounded incredibly beautiful. I felt so lucky I got to hear and witness that rare moment - It is one I certainly won't forget.
Paper Monsters came along right when I needed it. Soon after the record was released, I came out to my family as gay. This led to me being kicked out of my home (I was still just a teenager). One family member even said they hope I die of AIDS.
I ended up moving to the city and staying with a friend. Although my life was once again in extreme upheaval, Paper Monsters provided me with immense comfort. I am happy to say, soon after these events I ended up getting my life stabilized. I remember fondly having lots of house parties and get-togethers during this time, where I would play Dave Gahan and Depeche Mode music (while my friends and I would drunkenly dance around). Via these gatherings, I often exposed new people to the music.
A few months later, Grenola got me tickets to see Dave Gahan live for his July concert in Toronto. I arrived at the venue early and at one point I thought I heard faint music. I ran around to the other side of the building and through a small space in the large iron doors, I could faintly see Dave Gahan on stage doing soundcheck. He was singing the song Bitter Apple from Paper Monsters. It sounded incredibly beautiful. I felt so lucky I got to hear and witness that rare moment - It is one I certainly won't forget.
Waiting outside of the Kool Haus venue to see Dave Gahan in concert on the Paper Monsters tour.
The concert itself was beyond amazing! The venue was intimate and I was front row center. Dave was right in front of me. He looked in my direction many times as I sang along to all the new solo songs. During the performance of Personal Jesus, I threw my sign that read "Gahan Is Really My Personal Jesus" on stage. Dave looked at it and smiled. It was a joy to know that for a second, I had made Dave Gahan smile, especially since his music had brought me so much happiness! That same summer, a friend of mine had been doing on-air segments for 91.9 FM: The Cave. He asked me if I could do a write-up on Dave's Paper Monsters and he read it on-air.
Photos of the Dave Gahan concert I attended in 2003.
My passion for Depeche Mode definitely impacted people around me, for example, my cousin's band ended up doing a cover of In Your Room and invited me to see one of their shows at a summer festival to watch them perform it.
The next year Dave's new DVD Live Monsters was released. I played it SO much over the next few months. I had sleepovers where my friends and I would watch it.
Around the same time one of my friend's and I started going to the local gay club during Karaoke nights. I would always sing (and perform with my best Dave Gahan dance moves) Depeche Mode songs.
These types of nights continued and after one such evening a bunch of us were relaxing at his place watching music videos, when we happened to catch the premiere of the new Depeche Mode single Precious! I was as enthusiastic as ever for this next Mode era (the Playing The Angel album). A good friend of mine ended up getting me the Touring The Angel DVD, which in typical fashion was played again and again.
Over the next few years I was happy to get another brilliant solo Dave Gahan album (Hourglass) and then another great Depeche Mode record (Sounds of The Universe). I can still recall my first time listening to Hourglass in my little apartment and watching Depeche perform Wrong for the first time on the Echo Awards broadcast.
The next year Dave's new DVD Live Monsters was released. I played it SO much over the next few months. I had sleepovers where my friends and I would watch it.
Around the same time one of my friend's and I started going to the local gay club during Karaoke nights. I would always sing (and perform with my best Dave Gahan dance moves) Depeche Mode songs.
These types of nights continued and after one such evening a bunch of us were relaxing at his place watching music videos, when we happened to catch the premiere of the new Depeche Mode single Precious! I was as enthusiastic as ever for this next Mode era (the Playing The Angel album). A good friend of mine ended up getting me the Touring The Angel DVD, which in typical fashion was played again and again.
Over the next few years I was happy to get another brilliant solo Dave Gahan album (Hourglass) and then another great Depeche Mode record (Sounds of The Universe). I can still recall my first time listening to Hourglass in my little apartment and watching Depeche perform Wrong for the first time on the Echo Awards broadcast.
My copies of Dave Gahan's Hourglass and Depeche Mode's Sounds Of The Universe on vinyl.
Around the time Sounds Of The Universe came out, my mom had started working at the Desert Lake Resort. She invited me to perform Depeche Mode and Dave Gahan songs here which was immensely fun. A year or so later, my mom and her friend Maureen would start their own business, Mazinaw Lakeside Resort. Once again, I would often perform Dave Gahan and Depeche songs here. This includes during their grand opening. This was an exciting time, as I also bought tickets for Depeche Mode's upcoming Delta Machine tour.
In 2015, I planned a trip from my home in Canada, down to the Southern Appalachian Mountains region in the USA. I would be hiking through gorgeous scenery in several different states. It was fitting that Dave Gahan had just put out a new record (Dave Gahan & Soulsavers - Angels And Ghosts). The album ended up being the perfect soundtrack to many beautiful landscapes, sunsets, mountain views, and summer evenings throughout the trip (and beyond)! Soon after, Yahoo Live did a live broadcast of Dave's Los Angeles concert. I can still remember vividly watching the special. I loved hearing all of the new Angels & Ghost songs live and was thrilled when he performed Kingdom (from Hourglass) and Dirty Sticky Floors during the encore. A few days later Telekom Electronic Beats did a live broadcast of Dave's Berlin show which I watched with equal enthusiasm.
In 2015, I planned a trip from my home in Canada, down to the Southern Appalachian Mountains region in the USA. I would be hiking through gorgeous scenery in several different states. It was fitting that Dave Gahan had just put out a new record (Dave Gahan & Soulsavers - Angels And Ghosts). The album ended up being the perfect soundtrack to many beautiful landscapes, sunsets, mountain views, and summer evenings throughout the trip (and beyond)! Soon after, Yahoo Live did a live broadcast of Dave's Los Angeles concert. I can still remember vividly watching the special. I loved hearing all of the new Angels & Ghost songs live and was thrilled when he performed Kingdom (from Hourglass) and Dirty Sticky Floors during the encore. A few days later Telekom Electronic Beats did a live broadcast of Dave's Berlin show which I watched with equal enthusiasm.
Seen here is a photo of me performing Depeche Mode song's at the Mazinaw Lakeside Resort Grand Opening.
At the end of 2016, I started dating someone and it was clear it was going to become serious. Five months after we started our relationship Depeche Mode released their new album Spirit. We watched the band perform their new single Where's The Revolution on Jimmy Fallon Live together. Spirit was also the backdrop to several drives we would take together for hiking trips. Whenever I listen to Spirit I am reminded of that very special time in my life. We are now married and the main wall of our bedroom is covered in shelves full of Dave Gahan and Depeche Mode records, CD's, singles, concert films, and box sets.
Just some of my Dave Gahan solo projects collection.
A few years after the release of Spirit, my life was to be forever changed as my mother passed away unexpectedly. This was the first time I had lost someone close. Sadly, not even a year later my father also passed away. Again, this was very sudden. It felt very weird to only be in my 30's and to have lost both parents.
Dave's latest album release (Dave Gahan & Soulsavers - Imposter) came out not long after the loss of my parents. Again, this time of my life seemed to have states of extreme sadness. But once again, I found tremendous healing and comfort via his music. Like Paper Monsters before it, Imposter was a real gift that came along when I needed it the most! I wrote an article detailing how Dave's music helped me with my grief and published it on Vocal Media. I posted the article on Instagram and saw that Dave's wife Jennifer had seen it. Here's hoping she shared it with him! The article was also published by The Daily Advent's Opera News.
Dave's latest album release (Dave Gahan & Soulsavers - Imposter) came out not long after the loss of my parents. Again, this time of my life seemed to have states of extreme sadness. But once again, I found tremendous healing and comfort via his music. Like Paper Monsters before it, Imposter was a real gift that came along when I needed it the most! I wrote an article detailing how Dave's music helped me with my grief and published it on Vocal Media. I posted the article on Instagram and saw that Dave's wife Jennifer had seen it. Here's hoping she shared it with him! The article was also published by The Daily Advent's Opera News.
Daily Advent featuring my Dave Gahan article.
Soon after the release of Imposter, Telekom Street Gigs broadcast Dave's concert in Berlin. That night my Spouse and I got wine and snacks as we settled in to watch it.
More recently, my Spouse and I got up bright and early to catch the live stream of Depeche Mode's October 4th 2022 Press Conference in Berlin. I was thrilled with happiness as they announced they would be going on tour and had a new album on the way. At the end of the press conference a montage played with live performance footage and the dates of the upcoming tour. I could feel my eyes swell up with tears. I was so happy and emotional. After the unexpected passing of Depeche Mode founding member Andrew Fletcher only a few months earlier, there had been much uncertainty on the future of the band. But now, there was definite proof that Depeche Mode would indeed go on!
A few days later I got tickets for the concerts in Toronto, Quebec City and Montreal.
More recently, my Spouse and I got up bright and early to catch the live stream of Depeche Mode's October 4th 2022 Press Conference in Berlin. I was thrilled with happiness as they announced they would be going on tour and had a new album on the way. At the end of the press conference a montage played with live performance footage and the dates of the upcoming tour. I could feel my eyes swell up with tears. I was so happy and emotional. After the unexpected passing of Depeche Mode founding member Andrew Fletcher only a few months earlier, there had been much uncertainty on the future of the band. But now, there was definite proof that Depeche Mode would indeed go on!
A few days later I got tickets for the concerts in Toronto, Quebec City and Montreal.
Screenshot from the morning when I was waiting queue to get Depeche Mode tickets!
Only a month later I was featured as a guest on the radio show Rainbow Country. I talked about how important Depeche Mode and Dave Gahan's music had been in my life. The segment was syndicated across the country, airing on a dozen stations coast to coast. I felt proud I got to share this passion on a platform like that. Around the same time, I hosted a Free Giveaway Contest on my Matthew Talks Music website where I would give away a few copies of Dave's Imposter album. The record had meant so much to me, that I wanted to share it with others. I also sent Dave Gahan and Depeche Mode CD's to a few friends as well.
Starting in 2023, there was a fury of Dave Gahan and Depeche Mode activity. At the end of January Dave Gahan's new solo project, the song Chains, came out. The next month Depeche Mode's new single Ghosts Again was released. I was so jubilant to get these new songs! When the video for Ghosts Again premiered I was tearful, I was so emotional and overjoyed. After the premiere, I got pre-orders for all the different vinyl and CD formats for the new album Memento Mori (which was to be released on March 24th). Additionally, I pre-ordered both of the Musik Express Ghosts Again exclusive vinyl.
Starting in 2023, there was a fury of Dave Gahan and Depeche Mode activity. At the end of January Dave Gahan's new solo project, the song Chains, came out. The next month Depeche Mode's new single Ghosts Again was released. I was so jubilant to get these new songs! When the video for Ghosts Again premiered I was tearful, I was so emotional and overjoyed. After the premiere, I got pre-orders for all the different vinyl and CD formats for the new album Memento Mori (which was to be released on March 24th). Additionally, I pre-ordered both of the Musik Express Ghosts Again exclusive vinyl.
Watching Depeche Mode on Quotidien.
I also got to watch Depeche Mode perform on both the Sanremo Music Festival and on the French program Quotidien. As I prepared to watch them perform on Sanremo, I couldn't help but think how 14 years earlier, I had been doing the same thing, as I watched Depeche Mode perform Wrong for the first time at the Echo awards. Seeing Gahan back on stage got me even more hyped for the upcoming tour! At the end of February I was happy to find out that Depeche Mode were adding more dates to the Memento Mori World Tour - and would be coming back to Canada in the Fall. On the morning of the 21st, I got up for the pre-sale and got tickets for the Toronto and Montreal shows.
I have been listening to Dave Gahan's singing, and enjoying his music for over 24 years now. This passion for Depeche Mode and his solo work, that was born in my teenage years, has never once ceased or waned. Gahan's music has been the backdrop to so many memories in my life. It has been featured at countless parties, road trips, family gatherings, camping weekends, and chill evenings for over two decades now...and I am sure this will continue. I am especially proud of all the people that I have exposed to Depeche Mode music over the years.
Depeche Mode and Dave Gahan truly are the soundtrack of my life!
Story Continued here.
I have been listening to Dave Gahan's singing, and enjoying his music for over 24 years now. This passion for Depeche Mode and his solo work, that was born in my teenage years, has never once ceased or waned. Gahan's music has been the backdrop to so many memories in my life. It has been featured at countless parties, road trips, family gatherings, camping weekends, and chill evenings for over two decades now...and I am sure this will continue. I am especially proud of all the people that I have exposed to Depeche Mode music over the years.
Depeche Mode and Dave Gahan truly are the soundtrack of my life!
Story Continued here.